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"Rejection. It's a pattern in your life. You will have to fight it to overcome it", popped on my iPhone screen. I knew her text and her analysis of me was right. She wasn't condemning me. She wasn't saying I would be stuck there forever. She was stating the facts. It would mean I would have to fight. Fight to heal. Fight to be whole again. Fight to not be afraid of the one thing I was afraid of the most: People. Oh, how she was right!
There are days I go to the mailbox and can scarcely open its tiny, creaky door. I don't want to look inside, because I have found rejection and hurt hide in its metal walls. And then there are other days where electronic mail is hard to open even though it means just touching my finger to the screen. I simply can't do it. I cringe as if half expecting a monster to jump out at me. You see most of my rejection came in the form of written words delivered to my inbox and and to the little white tube with the squeaking door in my front yard.
I wasn't good enough. I didn't know how to make the right decisions. I was mean. I was not a good (fill in the blank). I was unforgiving. I had a bad "aura". I was unworthy to be around others....All these words written and more. No wonder I have a hate relationship with any device where mail is deposited. It's too much. Those boxes don't hold mail for me. They hold my shattered heart.
I have fought it long and hard. Can I say most days are good? I have a husband who loves me. A great relationship with each of my sons. Deep friendships. Family that has been with me through thick and thin. I am loved. Then there are the days I can't fight the obvious...there are places in my past where love couldn't be found. And though I searched for it and longed for it, the fact is it will not show up in my mailbox. This is where acceptance of myself is hard...when you know you are not worthy of love in someone's eyes.
Three years ago I decided I didn't need a mailbox to show me love, and my inbox was a pathetic way to feel secure. I needed to be looking for other letters. Ones written long ago, by Someone who truly knew me with all my flaws and said, "I will always love you." I bought myself a journaling Bible and began the search for the love that would not fail me. Who needs affirmation and adoration from mere mortals when you can have the Creator of the universe always there by your side? I would stick with the love letter He wrote me. My goal was to live loved regardless of how I had actually lived!
One day on Facebook, the title popped up. The words made my heart stop: uninvited, less than, lonely, left out...LIVING LOVED. I had to order this book! So last weekend, I went out to my sworn enemy, the mailbox, and found what I had been waiting for... Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa Terkeurst. I spent this week reading in tears hiding them from those around me. Her book undid me.
I am sure you all are like me. In fact, I got a glimmer of it last week as I scanned Facebook, Instagram, and other social media. You have lived rejection. Women all over were popping up saying they so wanted to read it. They didn't have to say why. I knew. They had lived rejected, but desperately wanted to live loved. I could almost feel the ache through the screen.
You know it's bad when you begin reading and can't finish a sentence, because you are having to highlight it. Then you need to write some of them out to ward off the forgetfulness in your brain. These nuggets of truth are too valuable to lose. Lysa's book looks at all angles of the dreaded "R" word. Rejection is a spider's web entwined with the shame of who you are, the need for forgiveness for the one who rejected, the fear of history repeating itself, and the hope of measuring up...one day. Lysa deals with each facet with the heart of one rejected. Turns out she one of us.
I don't even know where to start to organize my thoughts on the PRACTICAL advice she gives to battle that left out feeling. There are questions to ask yourself, verses to help you change your perspective on what was done to you, and even the suggestion of praying Psalm 91 back to God as you heal from rejection. One of the mind-reforming thoughts is to realize that rejection has another level to it. It all depends on how you view what happened. We may feel that we have been set aside by others when in reality we have be set apart by God to walk a different road from those who rejected us. Other times, rejection is actually a form of protection from something even more grievous.
If you are struggling with the fact that you don't fit in or have been kick out, Lysa's book will help you work towards healing those bleeding parts of your heart. Also, because it has been such a theme in my life you will find below several posts on the subject. If you are reading this, I am praying for you. I know the pain and ache for you. Read the posts below. Order the book...you know, sometimes good things arrive in mailboxes...
Surviving Rejection: What Grandma Taught Me
Dealing with Rejection
Seven Verses for Dealing with Rejection
Journaling to Remember His Love
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