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How can we avoid relational strife from the beginning even before it starts? How do we make wise choices about who we give our hearts to? Honestly, this is a place where I struggle. I want to see the best in people and my desire for community has gotten me into trouble time and again. After going through so much relational heartache a few years ago, I am now trying to be wise in my choices on who I spend time with and how deep I go in relationships. I am learning that I am not a strong personality in the sense of putting up great boundaries, and there are definitely certain types of people that I can't coexist with unless some serious boundaries are in place. Our deepest relationships need to be with safe people. What does a safe person look like? How do they act?
A safe person doesn't have a critical spirit. Actually, this has become red flag number one for me. Anyone that consistently sees the flaws in others and in the situations around them will one day turn that critical spirit on YOU. Don't be fooled. The bellyaching they do now will eventually turn into verbal vomiting all over you. It doesn't matter how much they flatter you in the beginning. So before going deep with a critical person decide how much negativity you can take.
A safe person is humble. Humility is a sign that a person is willing to compromise in a relationship and meet you halfway. It means that when they make a mistake they will be willing to make it right. It also means that life won't be all about them.
Safe people don't demand trust. This is another huge red flag for me. If someone demands to be trusted without the test of time then you can pretty much assume that he or she isn't safe. Just because someone is a family member, a boss, or a respected member of the community doesn't mean he/she can demand that you trust them without proving their trustworthiness.
Safe people deal with the real issues at hand. When conflict arises and the other person is willing to openly deal with the problem you more than likely have a safe person on your hands. For me, one of the biggest signs of safety is when a person willingly apologizes for something they have done. A person that won't sit down and talk it through when you are at odds isn't safe. {Later this month I will post about the importance of apologies and how to do them right.}
Safe people are grace-based. Someone who is legalistic and all about following the letter of the law is not grace-based. If you end up not doing what he or she feels is right you are going to be taken down a notch or two. Yes, we do need people in our lives who will give us constructive criticism in a spirit of love, but if you find that he or she is more worried about rules than relationships then you may want to proceed with caution.
A safe person will be truthful with you. Ok, we all lie, but a safe person will overall be truthful to you. They will also deliver that truth in love. If you find a person lying on a regular basis to you it's best to move on or move away.
Do you want to read more about safe people and how to navigate relationships? Check out
Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
To read more from 31 Days of Hope and Healing, click here.
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